I remember the comfort. The comfort of the lights of the Christmas tree in my basement. As they illuminated the old brown carpet that was so soft yet so rough. I remember the smell of the heater the fireplace, burning. Smelling like if comfort had a smell. Holding onto my dog, or my stuffed animals. The anticipation of opening presents on any holiday. The elaborate setups, the friends that cared about you, the neighborhood night games, the times I walked around with my best friend talking about drama and the dumbest little things in middle school. I miss when I was student body president, I mattered to so many people, and so many people knew they could trust me. I miss my friends that I had to talk to about suicide. The ones that texted me about ending there lives. The ones I walked to the hope squad leader and talking with them. The ones I love. The ones that had parties with me. That hung out with me and made me feel okay. Now it’s just pain, backstabbing, drugs, alcohol, sex, swearing. Endless things with fake apologies. I freaking loved you guys. I loved you!
You just walked away.. forgot who you were, and what you meant to people. Now I’m a nobody is a school full of somebodies that I don’t want to know. Now No one asks me for help or comes and talks to me, because I’m the busy kid or the kid who just doesn’t care about anything, but they don’t actually know! They don’t get to know me! You guys are zombies! Walking around talking to the same people since grade school! Laughing and making fun of other people for being upset! Because of your own insecurities! I just miss the days when I was more then just a retail worker. More than just a kid you say hi to at school. More than just a kid who lifts weights. More than just a teenager. No not teenagers more than just a teenager. I don’t want to be alone anymore. I miss my friends. They have all left me. I want them back. I want the teachers that asked me how I was emotionally doing. I miss the long talks with my basketball coach. I miss announcing things at assemblies. I miss coaching the team I used to play for. And here I am. No meaning. Left behind like an empty spine. I don’t choose to make mistakes. But because of that, I’ve lost everything. Everyone. The sacrifices in this life hurt my heart. God I really need you man. I miss them…