My heart is beating I’m stuck awake
But this time I’m not as afraid
Because I’ve been here I know what it takes
It’s just inescapable, it rapes
My spirituality it’s taped
To parts of me I can’t really reach,
It’s scarred me and It can’t be erased
It’s my past, my present, a struggle, and important faze
Of my life that I can’t get back that I got lost in my tracks
Even after I’ve been so good
I couldn’t even get away and feel the way I should
For some reason my hearts in a storm and isn’t wearing a hood
It can’t hide, there’s no shelter, but would it hide even if it could?
Idk why I feel this stress, I’m worried about my love Im worried about My trust I’m worried about the people that love me if it’s all just some lust
I’m worried that I’m screwed that I’m afraid of not just me but of you
I’m worried I shouldn’t be here I shouldn’t continue
I’m worried about all these things no matter how hard I try to believe they aren’t true
Idk why
Idk when
Idk how it all began
But I do know one thing.
I just want it to go away.
To leave me so I can be safe
To free me so I won’t hate
So I can be happy-have that trait
Wait a minute
I just realized, the reason I’m stuck in the dark
The reason I can’t get away the reason there’s a storm in my heart
Is because god knew I could handle it from the start
He knew I was one of the chosen that would be able to fight it off my heart
He knows that I look to him in the stars
He knows I try my best that I work hard
That I would do anything to be on his charts
That I would do anything to be freed of these things
I would do anything to be alive and dream
That I could study that I could read
The scriptures that he wrote for me
I know god I know I struggle so much
That I have Broken your commandments
That I’ve left you in the dark so many times
That I’ve broken your heart so much that I’ve even broken mine
I know that I run away from the gospel because it scares me now
That I can’t be good enough for you
That I can’t be the one you need
But I will do anything to be seen
I will do anything to fight this awful greed
I know I say that so many times
I know I’ve broken that promise millions of times
I just ask that you could help me break out of these habits these rhymes
I ask that this poetry might help me feel the chimes
That I might be able to search for the signs
that I might be able to find
the place I need to be where you can be my mind
where you can see the light and break off my binds
I try lord I try, but I need you to help me.
More than anything
That’s all I ask of thee
Help me.
I felt like I had been taken advantage of. Like a slave in chains, like I hadn’t eaten in days and days. Like my soul was dehydrated. Like a corpse walking. And in front of me was chain cutters, food, water, medicine…but I just wouldn’t take it.